Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!

If it doesn’t go well, I’m just going to move to one of the smaller US mainlands.

Same energy as me holding Ctrl and pressing S seven times just to make sure.

Horseshoe Crabs: “Well, well, well, look who decided to come floating back.”

“Incredibally”

Literally this morning, I asked my two-year-old if he was hungry and he went into the kitchen and pointed at the Fusilli.

I’ll take shit that messed me up as a teenager for 500, Alex.

Universe: “Best I can do is hairless monkeys with anxiety.”

“Oh, a shooting star! I’ll make a wi-“

Mosquito hawks do not, in fact, eat mosquitos.

I no longer respect those annoying fuckers.

The only reason aliens won’t invade Earth is the Hollywood machine accidentally created the most amazing gaslit propaganda program and now they’re convinced that one young Earthling will discover a fatal flaw in their battleships or their biology and save the planet in a stroke of luck and perfect timing that destroys their entire race.

“Rural America contains the greatest military strategists in the galaxy! Let’s just take some asteroids when they’re not looking and move on.”

“A T. Rex is a human’s natural enemy!

Like humans and lions, or humans and panthers, or humans and other humans. Damn humans! They ruined evolution!”

Mother, 33, stops being a scientist to do science.

I’m now sad that dinosaurs could never look up and see Polaris.

And what if they skipped daintily while holding giant lollipops?

“I LIKE MY SUGAR WITH COFFEE AND CREAM!”

Final Destination: Grade-school Editon

Worf, from the Deep Space Nine episode Homefront:

“Our gods are dead. Ancient Klingon warriors slew them a millennia ago. They were more trouble than they were worth.”

That’s the best way to describe what a Klingon is; Zero fucks, 100% of the time.

You can’t convince me that that’s not an Orca.

Orcas have always been friends to humans that do not own yachts.