You could try turning on Do Not Disturb for all numbers, all the time. The calls and texts will technically still happen but you won’t be notified of them. You may be able to avoid voicemails if you never set it up. You’ll see all your texts if you ever open the app although you may be able to disable or remove it. (YMMV based on your particular phone.)

Don’t let John Green see this…

i will cover myself in dirt to show how I am in touch with nature and my true self. No dirt on my face, though.

IYKYK

Tupoah Country Tribune is a satirical site. The picture you linked is about halfway down this article:

https://knowyourmeme.com/news/the-hawk-tuah-girl-getting-fired-from-her-preschool-teaching-job-is-a-rumor-thats-spreading-online

https://amp.knowyourmeme.com/memes/hawk-tuah-girl

Know Your Meme says the firing is a false rumor. I don’t even know that she works at a preschool… because I have not and will not research that… because I am lazy.