My wife of 30 years died a few months ago and I’m having to adjust to life without her.
Life is freakin weird now … I feel like some kind of ghost that doesn’t exist … I feel like a big part of my life died with her and at the same time I feel like I’m alive but not fully … I’m alive but not fully … I feel like part of me disappeared but I didn’t die … quite honestly, sometimes I feel like a ghost that didn’t fully cross over and I’m stuck in this life until I can move on.
I have a ton of supports, family and friends, work and things to do and I keep very busy with stuff … but all of it just doesn’t mean much to me any more.
And family and friends keep telling me I have all the freedom in the world to do whatever I want … but you know what? … life is no longer enjoyable when you don’t have the person you want to share everything with. I had so many plans and things I really, really wanted to do … but now it’s all meaningless and pointless … I have no real enjoyment for many things any more. Even turning on the TV to watch something, anything no longer really thrills me and I watch something for a few minutes, my mind wanders and I have to go do something else. I go online and it’s the same thing, I read part of something and I have to move on to the next thing … I play video games and I can’t concentrate on it for too long.
About the only thing left to me now is riding my motorcycle but I can’t even do that because the weather is still too cold here in northern Ontario … so I can’t even enjoy that.
And in the meantime, I have to watch the world burn … life is just very strange for me at the moment.
Might as well be … you have no idea of the sadness I feel. I am completely normal, I go about my work and I do the things I always did before … on the outside everything is perfectly normal. Unfortunately, my mind, my thoughts and my perception of the world has changed … I no longer feel the same sense of joy and happiness of doing things … I always go back to thinking of the person I lost and how she is not here any more … it’s pervasive and deep. I feel like someone has draped a big heavy wet blanket over me and it hangs on me all the time. And yes … the colors of the world don’t seem to be as bright any more … they don’t fill me with the same awe and happiness they once did. They do cheer me up but it’s like lighting a tiny candle in a deep dark cave.
I’ve lost lots of people in my life … my brother, my aunts and uncles … friends from my age group, friends who were older, friends who were younger … my grandparents … both my parents … and I’ve handled all those with a lot acceptance and understanding … I lived through them with my wife who supported me through all of it … but this … this is like having your soul removed and you feel like you are operating your body like an empty vessel. Life feels very mechanical now … I go about doing things like I always did but everything is without meaning now and I constantly wonder why I am doing anything.
My wife had a huge cancer scare. It turned out not to be, but while that word was laying on the table, I could no longer hear snare drums. Vibrant colors turned to gray. I was tone deaf with music. You’re right, I don’t know how sad you feel, but I have an idea of what I would experience. Nothing and no one can prepare you for just how awful the whole thing is.
My wife of 30 years died a few months ago and I’m having to adjust to life without her.
Life is freakin weird now … I feel like some kind of ghost that doesn’t exist … I feel like a big part of my life died with her and at the same time I feel like I’m alive but not fully … I’m alive but not fully … I feel like part of me disappeared but I didn’t die … quite honestly, sometimes I feel like a ghost that didn’t fully cross over and I’m stuck in this life until I can move on.
I have a ton of supports, family and friends, work and things to do and I keep very busy with stuff … but all of it just doesn’t mean much to me any more.
And family and friends keep telling me I have all the freedom in the world to do whatever I want … but you know what? … life is no longer enjoyable when you don’t have the person you want to share everything with. I had so many plans and things I really, really wanted to do … but now it’s all meaningless and pointless … I have no real enjoyment for many things any more. Even turning on the TV to watch something, anything no longer really thrills me and I watch something for a few minutes, my mind wanders and I have to go do something else. I go online and it’s the same thing, I read part of something and I have to move on to the next thing … I play video games and I can’t concentrate on it for too long.
About the only thing left to me now is riding my motorcycle but I can’t even do that because the weather is still too cold here in northern Ontario … so I can’t even enjoy that.
And in the meantime, I have to watch the world burn … life is just very strange for me at the moment.
Like life has lost all it’s color? Everything is now in grayscale?
Might as well be … you have no idea of the sadness I feel. I am completely normal, I go about my work and I do the things I always did before … on the outside everything is perfectly normal. Unfortunately, my mind, my thoughts and my perception of the world has changed … I no longer feel the same sense of joy and happiness of doing things … I always go back to thinking of the person I lost and how she is not here any more … it’s pervasive and deep. I feel like someone has draped a big heavy wet blanket over me and it hangs on me all the time. And yes … the colors of the world don’t seem to be as bright any more … they don’t fill me with the same awe and happiness they once did. They do cheer me up but it’s like lighting a tiny candle in a deep dark cave.
I’ve lost lots of people in my life … my brother, my aunts and uncles … friends from my age group, friends who were older, friends who were younger … my grandparents … both my parents … and I’ve handled all those with a lot acceptance and understanding … I lived through them with my wife who supported me through all of it … but this … this is like having your soul removed and you feel like you are operating your body like an empty vessel. Life feels very mechanical now … I go about doing things like I always did but everything is without meaning now and I constantly wonder why I am doing anything.
My wife had a huge cancer scare. It turned out not to be, but while that word was laying on the table, I could no longer hear snare drums. Vibrant colors turned to gray. I was tone deaf with music. You’re right, I don’t know how sad you feel, but I have an idea of what I would experience. Nothing and no one can prepare you for just how awful the whole thing is.